Monday, 13 December 2010

Waiting.

I always seem to be waiting. I had a wardrobe clear out at the weekend and I had clothes waiting for a special occasion, waiting for me to lose weight, waiting for me to feel confident and the thing that linked them all was that they were unworn. All of them. Basically this says that I am always waiting for something or to change something without appreciating the day I am currently experiencing. I could wait forever to feel pretty enough. It becomes a punishment issue. I don’t feel good enough about myself to allow myself the pleasure of wearing something that makes me want to smile and twirl about.

For a while I wouldn’t wear skirts as I thought they would attract attention, so I decided to wait until I felt sure enough. Then last week I realised that I hadn’t worn them. They were hanging in my wardrobe waiting for me. Not waiting for me to change but waiting for me to accept myself. I wore the skirts and the sky didn’t fall. I felt feminine and girly and I wouldn’t have experienced that if I had continued to put off wearing them. I will never be perfect! If I got to the weight I wanted I daresay there would be something else that I wouldn’t like about myself.

I don’t make it easy for myself. I buy clothes that are just that bit too small and then beat myself up when they don’t fit. I have resolved not to do this anymore. I want to build my self-confidence not constantly try to trip myself up. I know that God created me and that I should accept who I am and how I look but it is so hard! Society seems so image focussed and people are judged on their appearance so it feels like a big deal. I want to be over this! I always thought that once I got out of my teens, all my insecurities would magically disappear. It turns out that there is a lot more to it than that.

I think that by constantly thinking about the next thing, I am failing to appreciate the life I live.  Will I ever feel like I deserve nice things? I am taking baby steps! I am already wearing my skirts and today I wore one of my “save for best” perfumes. Life is like a “special occasion only” perfume, you wait and wait for the perfect opportunity to wear it, bypassing all the occasions that it would have brightened your day or made you feel pretty, and by the time you finally get around to using it, it has gone off. Never to be appreciated. I don’t want my life to be like that perfume. I want to appreciate every day.

Blessings,

Jenny

3 comments:

  1. This is a demon that I fight with also. I find myself complaining about things like my thighs, my stomach, my arms, my chin, lines under my eyes. But these are things that make me who I am. My thighs and stomach are from my mom. My arms and chin comes from my dad. My lines around my eyes are years of knowledge, experience and the many smiles that I have given. So why do we do this to ourselves? Society, your right!
    I think women need to stop letting magazines tell us what we should look like. Have you ever seen the Dove evolution commercial on youtube? I find it interesting and so very sad.
    I hope you find a way to accept the beautiful person you are. I hope you see the beauty and originality that God has put into you. He thinks your wonderful, so expect nothing less from yourself.

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  2. A lot of this sounds familiar. The devil is always trying to pull our attention away from what's important and steal our joy in Christ!

    Hang on to the truth; Jesus said it would set us free! And the truth is, that when we focus our eyes on Christ, just about everything looks more beautiful because we are dazzled by HIS glow. Personally, I don't think life much has to do with what we deserve or not. I'm not sure how we can "earn" anything. God gives freely because of Himself - because He loves us, because He chose. And we are fearfully and wonderfully made because that's just the kind of Creator HE IS. He clothes even the grass...and the lilies of the field with beauty.

    Every time I read your blog, I think of Leslie Ludy. Are you familiar with Eric and Leslie Ludy? They are Christian writers here in the US. Eric writes gritty books about spiritual maturity to everybody, but often focused toward men, and his wife Leslie writes to women - Authentic Beauty and Set-Apart Femininity are two of her books. I've read that last one of hers and a couple of his. They were huge instruments in this journey of God stirring my heart and challenging me to change my focus, renew my mind, and endure these kinds of battles!

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  3. How very common this struggle is, thanks to the world and Satan's pull. Remember 1 Peter 3 where it talks about not worrying about your outer appearance, but cultivate a quiet and lovely spirit in your heart. God made you exactly how He wants you and to Him, you are beautiful and precious!

    Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving me a comment! I really appreciated it! :)

    Blessings to you....

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