I always seem to be waiting. I had a wardrobe clear out at the weekend and I had clothes waiting for a special occasion, waiting for me to lose weight, waiting for me to feel confident and the thing that linked them all was that they were unworn. All of them. Basically this says that I am always waiting for something or to change something without appreciating the day I am currently experiencing. I could wait forever to feel pretty enough. It becomes a punishment issue. I don’t feel good enough about myself to allow myself the pleasure of wearing something that makes me want to smile and twirl about.
For a while I wouldn’t wear skirts as I thought they would attract attention, so I decided to wait until I felt sure enough. Then last week I realised that I hadn’t worn them. They were hanging in my wardrobe waiting for me. Not waiting for me to change but waiting for me to accept myself. I wore the skirts and the sky didn’t fall. I felt feminine and girly and I wouldn’t have experienced that if I had continued to put off wearing them. I will never be perfect! If I got to the weight I wanted I daresay there would be something else that I wouldn’t like about myself.
I don’t make it easy for myself. I buy clothes that are just that bit too small and then beat myself up when they don’t fit. I have resolved not to do this anymore. I want to build my self-confidence not constantly try to trip myself up. I know that God created me and that I should accept who I am and how I look but it is so hard! Society seems so image focussed and people are judged on their appearance so it feels like a big deal. I want to be over this! I always thought that once I got out of my teens, all my insecurities would magically disappear. It turns out that there is a lot more to it than that.
I think that by constantly thinking about the next thing, I am failing to appreciate the life I live. Will I ever feel like I deserve nice things? I am taking baby steps! I am already wearing my skirts and today I wore one of my “save for best” perfumes. Life is like a “special occasion only” perfume, you wait and wait for the perfect opportunity to wear it, bypassing all the occasions that it would have brightened your day or made you feel pretty, and by the time you finally get around to using it, it has gone off. Never to be appreciated. I don’t want my life to be like that perfume. I want to appreciate every day.