Thursday, 9 December 2010

Ice and Control.

Walking to and from work these past few days has been pretty treacherous as there is so much ice on the paths. I hate walking on ice! I get so tense and scared of slipping so I start taking baby steps which makes it even more likely that I will slip.

It made me think about faith. Trusting in God and trusting that His path is right for me is so hard! I think it is like walking on the ice, I am scared of falling and want to be in control and the more I fight the worse off I am. I have become so used to being in control of my life that it is hard not to keep struggling for power. Really it is silly – who could ever win a power struggle with God and who would want to?

I keep trying though, just like on my walk to work. I slip a little and get scared but I keep going as stopping and giving up just isn’t an option. I find it difficult to keep going when I don’t know where this path will take me or how challenging it will be.

In becoming a Christian I think I have become a better person. I wasn’t awful before but now I am far more aware and considerate of other people. I have always been the old fashioned one, the responsible one, the moral one and it is so nice to have my thoughts on life validated. Traditional values aren’t bad!

I don’t really know anyone who believes in God. It may be the people I know or it might just be how it is in England but no one talks about what they believe in. Either they don’t believe and are quite hostile or they are just no open about it. The lack of support and just not having someone to tell me that what I am feeling is normal is hard. It hurts when I feel shaky as I feel like I shouldn’t have doubts as God is true and loving.

I love God, I truly do so I hate when I doubt Him and His will. I think it is one of those things that I will get better at dealing with other time as my faith gets stronger and stronger. I still find it hard to believe that God cares about me and that He would bother to have a plan for me. I don’t feel like I deserve His love and I strive to be worthy.

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1




  1. None of us deserve His love. That is why it is so wonderful. He loves us and died for us while we were still sinners.

    I have a friend that has done mission work all over the globe and she said that England is the most spiritually dark place she has ever been. Keep persevering my friend, your reward in heaven will be great. On the subject of not knowing anyone who believes in God or supports you...

    "If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you." John 15:19

    "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." Psalm 27:10

    Even if you have no one who supports you, the Lord will take you up, mentor you, teach you his ways. Be encouraged my sister and keep living for the One who gives you life.

  2. Thank you so much for your comment!

    Spiritually dark sounds right. It is sad here as churches are closing because there aren't enough people attending. It is hard for me as I like to talk things out but just mentioning God is enough to get you ridiculed.

    I am 100% sure that it is worth it, I just wish I was that sure that I was strong enough! It is so lovely to read about people who are so open about their faith and that it is an important part of who they are.

  3. You aren't strong enough. No one is. That is why we have to rely on Jesus every second of every day. The Apostle Paul with all of His work for the Lord even realized that without God he had no good in him...

    "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not." Romans 7:18

    My husband always says we need Jesus just as much every second of everyday as we did the first time we called on His name to save us.

    I am praying for your sweet soul to be a light over there in that darkness! Love to you!

  4. I've just discovered your blog so I'm having a read through and I just wanted to say that I thoroughly agree with England being spiritually dark. I'm not the most confident or outgoing of people and find it hard to strike up conversations and as you say, as soon as you mention God, people start to back away suspiciously as if faith is a contageous disease they'd rather not catch...

    Anyway, I'm really enjoying reading your blog and I've subscribed.


  5. Amanda - thank you! I am finding more and more that personal faith is rare here - even in those who do attend church. It is sad really!